Not So Real News: Winfrey Wins 2012 Presidency

Winfrey eyes Presidency during 2009 State of the Union Address.

By Milan Novkovic
Published: December 10, 2008

Chicago, Nov. 5, 2012—In what is now known to be the largest political upset in American history, Oprah Winfrey wins the White House in the largest mass write-in vote ever.

Winfrey beat President Obama in the majority of states that Obama focused his campaign efforts in as well as gaining Utah and Idaho. Winfrey also swept Arizona from Republican nominee, Gov.Sarah Palin, with a 5 percent margin.

Addressing the American public from Harpo Studios in a mock oval office set design, she thanked voters for their part in the historic write-in campaign, outlining her thoughts in front of a live studio audience.

“This truly is a mandate of destiny for me and for my fellow cheesecake eating housewives all across the country,” Winfrey remarked.

The Obama camp is crying foul and has started to mount up a legal offensive in the supposed “Obama states” that he was projected to win. They are claiming that the write-in votes are fraudulent.

“I believe in change,” President Obama told reporters, “Change in the voting system that is.”
David Axelrod, media director for the Obama campaign, did not divulge technical details on the legal actions being filed in various state courts. Axelrod did tell reporters that they think they had won the election in their own right.

“This is beyond crazy, this is completely fucking crazy,” Axelrod told the White House press corps.

Reporters were still trying to get a statement out of anyone from the Palin-Schwarzenegger camp, as the republican candidates were held in a campaign meeting to discuss their next options. It was leaked that Republican presidential candidate and Alaskan Governor, Sarah Palin, might invade Canada.

Her vice presidential candidate, Arnold Schwarzenegger, did return phone calls from Sean Hannity of Fox News and Bill Roberts, a freshman news reporter for the “Potato Picker Picayune,” a local high school newspaper in Jerome, Idaho. Schwarzenegger stated he he was planning to improve his study of Canadian culture by attending a show at “The Admiral” in Chicago, noted as the best strip club in the city.

When Roberts told him that it was just naked girls dancing on a stage, it was alleged that he told Roberts that he was still governor of California and could travel back in time to save John Connor, if he wanted. Bill Roberts dropped a testicle after the interview.

Winfrey will also make history by being the first African=American, female president in American history, and also the most ambiguous about her sexuality. It is expected that Gale Scott King will become the “First Partner” in the White House. Her current legal partner and male lover, Steadman Graham, will stay on with the first family as the First Partner’s “Correspondence Secretary.”

Despite her early massive support for Obama, it has been alleged that Hillary Clinton had a hand in the massive turnout of write-in vote, as she did door-to-door campaigning in several states. State Secretary Clinton handed out flyers that said, “Avenge me: Vote Oprah!” with a picture of Barack Obama decapitated by Clinton who is wearing military fatigues.

Oprah is expected to name Clinton as her Vice Presidential nominee during a noon press conference tomorrow.

Oprah’s road to the white house started back in early-1996 when she responded to a fan’s opinion that she should hold a higher office by having northern-Midwestern states secede from the United States to form the new republic of “Sassistan.”

The political experiment did not last for long, after the US Military nuked Sassistan to ash and rubble with the exception of Chicago. Oprah stood trial at Nuremburg after major combat operations ended under allegations of forcing captured prisoners of war to don space-age leotards and perform ”Running Man” style contests that were shown live on the one channel allowed to be broadcast in the former Sassistan republic.

Oprah won on a technicality when the judges could not break their tie vote on the four person panel.

Various insiders within Washington D.C. watched the T.V. in horror as the race was called for Oprah after just 11:00 p.m. One lobbyist spoke to reporters, on condition that he, Larry Haggley, would remain anonymous. He shared his views on the ongoing political drama.

“I didn’t know that the fat pig could sing,” Haggley told reporters. “Now I have to worry about being a bad husband or having too much fat and such. This sucks.”

Various political insiders were also speculating that the first picks for the new Winfrey Cabinet will have Dr. Mehmet C. Oz appointed as secretary of Health and Human Services and Dr. Phil appointed as Secretary of Defense.

Other matters of policy may include stimulating the auto industry by having everyone in America get a free car, and an education mandate to have Oprah’s Book Club novels as the only text books are expected to be revealed in the coming days.